Who am I to You?

Innocent, unconditional, love. She sees me as her hero.

I had been thinking about my next blog post for awhile and what it would be. 
I am recently married and just days have gone by since I bid my new husband of almost two weeks, farewell to Afghanistan for his third deployment overseas. It is a great story and I can't wait to share what all God is doing and will continue to do through our new bond,
but, I knew my next post wasn't supposed to be about that....

It's almost one-o-clock in the morning and I have been flooded with mixed emotions of all sorts. (as one could imagine as to why I'm posting at such a late hour) I asked God this simple question
"Who am I to You?"

Prior to breaking down and asking God this question, I thought I would waste my sleepless night in reading past journal entry's. 
Revisiting written memories with circumstances that seemed to have had me wavering in my faith to God, made me question my identity of who I am today. 
Am I who my past paints on my future?
Doubts of really living out the life that I have recently profoundly proclaimed with the ordination of God's divine purpose to boldly live through me- brought a darkness. 
My past will continue to follow me, and in most ways, this is very true.

I'm an open person. I love people. I am viewed as happy, outgoing, free-spirited, and kinda seem to got it all together. Really, you too?
Most are shocked to know I have three children by two different fathers. Oh, if only that was where my story started and ended. There is a lot more. A whole lot. Really, you too? 
While I read on in my big girl diary, I laughed, I cried, and finally, I questioned whether or not Christ was really my corner stone. 
Of coarse I ended every entry with a sincere heart felt prayer of wanting God's desire. Of asking forgiveness. Giving Him praise and thanksgiving for His continuous grace. But I was disgusted at that person. How could I love God truly with my whole heart and not be obedient? Not in just "following orders" kind of obedience but obedience in believing that God was in control and lack of patience in waiting on Him. 
Feeling disdain at the past Kim, I wondered if that Kim is really... me. Who I am. Well, in a way, it is.
I felt discouraged and wondered if God really could use this emotional wreck of women who struggles just to keep her eyes above water. Trying to have enough faith to see Christ's silhouette walking among the crashing waves of her life, waiting for her to see herself as He sees her. So I asked, "God, how do you see me?"

1 Peter, Chapter 1, starting in verse 3 and ending at the beginning of verse 8:
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in Heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it be tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory of the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, you love." 

Weird scripture for God to tell me to share as an identity of who I am. There were some others that I thought would come to mind that would be more plain spoken but here it is...

• I have been reborn- I am a living hope!
• I have an eternal inheritance that will never lose it's awesomeness and will always be available to me- I am family!
• I am kept by God- I am held close and He wont let go!
• I have lived life unfairly, either of my own hands or others and because of that- I am genuine! (He likes that about me.... I heard that loud and clear reading this)
• I am faithful to always come home when I stray- I am precious to Him!
• I love God even though I have never seen Him- I am a living revelation of Jesus Christ and how He loves! I am His testament of grace.

Forgetting how God sees us makes us vulnerable to spiritual death in a spiritual battle. When we are not clothed with promise, purpose, and genuine faith- we are calling warfare on our identities. 
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of darkness of this age..." "Therefore take up the whole armor of God..." "Stand therefore having girded your waist with truth..." Ephesians 6 vs 12 &13 & 14

Truth about who you are in Christ is the first thing Paul tells us to protect ourselves with. Tell me this:
Who are you in Christ?
How do you feel about that?
Do you think the reason our eyes are barely above water, bobbing our heads in and out of a happy spiritual life with Christ, is because we don't believe we are who He says we are?
Could you believe that as a believer, you are not only supposed to not sink, but walk on top of the raging seas, unconquerable and unsinkable because of Christ's love for you that thrives inside of you. Be genuine in your faith. Gird yourself with truth and stand among His chosen.

Yup, It's broken

Timber! My landlord kept telling me it just needed to be watered.....

22 years earlier...

I squeezed my stuffed tiger, Asland, given to me by my father after our unplanned meeting at the age of seven. I was crying on the top bunk of my bed feeling alone, needing a friend, and picturing Jesus in my toy- hugging me back because I wanted to feel important. In spite of being in the middle of a family of six children, products of four different absent dads, I wanted to feel special.

Why did I cherish the toy so much? It gave me a tangible imagery for Jesus while I struggled with depression. But why? Even though I was seeking Jesus and His comfort, perhaps I was also seeking my dad for the same thing.

Present day:

In trying to better my single parenting skills, I started reading a book by well known christian author James Dobson, “Bringing Up Girls”. A couple of chapters in, I wanted to throw the book so hard it would demolish the dry wall, leaving the impression of what I felt, helpless and hopeless in ever raising my kids normally as a single mom.

James, founder of “Focus on the Family”- a speaker, a psychologist, a respected leader- said how crucial it is for daughters to have their fathers. Here are just some of the reasons why:

·          “I believe there are many approaches to instilling a healthy self-worth in girls, but it begins within the security of a loving family. Specifically, it depends on a caring and affirming father…. Girls hang precariously on their relationship with their dads”-James Dobson Bringing Up Girls

·         “I have watched daughters talk to fathers. When you come into the room, they change. Everything about them changes: their eyes, their mouths, their gestures, their body language. Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers. They might take their mothers for granted, but not you.”-pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker Stong Fathers, Strong Daughters

“What the heck am I supposed to do!!” I read on about how fathers influence daughters and how the relationship and/or lack thereof can impact so much in their life. Self worth is the most important thing to instill in any one child. It impacts every single decision they make now, and in the future.  

Failure in school, crime, abuse, sexual promiscuity, future broken homes- the statistics that surface their ugly head as a product of single parent homes are, to say the least, quite discouraging.

-In 2012 36% of children were born into single parent homes. 24% of those children were born to single mothers.

-Anywhere from 55%-78% of the nations jail and prison inmates grew up in fatherless homes. 

- 6 million children are reported to child services every year. 36.8% of the victims perpetrators were mothers that acted alone.

- A single parent home is the second most common risk factor for abuse and neglect

-Since 1991, the number of children with a mother in prison has more than doubled, up 131%.

-In 2012, 30.9% of the nations poverty level were single mothers

These are just some of the statistics that I came across.

While I read the importance of daughters having their fathers not just be in their lives, but play a major role in it, I threw my hands up. What are women like me supposed to do with that situation. I have no control over what my ex does.

As I recalled that stuffed animal I held onto such a long time ago, my dad is what made it important to me. I remember when he would come by on the weekends to take me to sonic to get a route 44 coke like it was 22 years ago. ;-)

 I remember loving him so much that the comments my mom made about him from the past, didn't even matter. I couldn't care less what he did before, to this day I don’t know any details and I don’t have to. I didn't even know him, but I needed his affection and approval so much. Just as a little girl, my dad’s blessing and approval is still validated in my life today. The importance of a father/daughter relationship is undeniable.

The blunt truth? A single parent home, is a broken home. However it came about, it functions under unfair circumstances. The hill is a little steeper, the air a little thinner, and the answers are not always clear. So this is what I've decided to do.

Pray. Pray for my kid's dad and anyone else who has influence in my children’s lives. Pray that we go through moment by moment completely covered in grace. That because we are in Christ, because I am His servant, because my children are being taught His love and forgiveness, we have authority over our lives. (Please, this is no way telling you to go and seek a man to make it all better. “Seek the kingdom of God above all else and live righteously; and he will give you everything you need.” –Mathew 6:33 Let God decided what you need. Just having someone there to dump unattainable expectations on or to share in your responsibilities in raising your children, will lead to misery and broken hearts)

I want to encourage men to be the role model that every little girl needs. Fathers, step-fathers, grandfathers, uncles, or any male influence- I’m talking to you. The women of tomorrow are looking to you for self-worth. Looking in you for what she wants in a husband. What are you telling her? What are you showing her she is worthy of?

Part of me wishes this wasn't true. The world is so sick- my daughters could feed off so much that I will have no control over. Men they will look up to, with or without my consent, will impose an impression.

Church! This is another reason why having a ministry to the children of single mothers is so important. Of coarse not every single parent home will have a sob story. I’m sure there are many, many, successful people that grew up from single parent homes. I think I turned out pretty well J And my home will also be one of those success stories. However, to ignore the fact that this is a family that has special needs and different challenges is stupidity in all its "glory". Those babies need you!

The church bus came to my house every Sunday morning. I didn't always go, but the main reason I did was because the bus driver always gave me the last of the cookies at drop off time. His name was Brother Bill and sometimes he would wake me up with the bus horn. Coming to the door with matted hair- I realized I hadn't had breakfast yet. J He waited for me many times to get ready. Even came back after he picked up other kids just to give me more time to get dressed. I went to church for the cookies and years later, found God because of it.

I have been overcome by the feeling that I am set apart, designed for a purpose and a plan and that the very hand of Jesus Christ has covered me with a holy undeserving garment of protection. Someone prayed for me for sure! I believe that for each of His children individually as well. For my children I believe it. For your children I believe it. No matter the circumstances, there is no pit too dark, no sin too great, no one person who is too far from grace. To understand how deep the Father’s love is for you, would knock you to your knees from the heaviness of humility. Its amazing how this love is not bias, but freely given to all, without even asking for it. Jesus came to us on Earth because of love. Not because we asked Him, but because we are worth it to Him. Amazing love.

“You intended to harm me, (satan) but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”- Genesis 50:20 NIV God is not influenced by a statistic, you shouldn't be either.

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” John 15:13 NKJV Allow yourself and your children, to feel the love that Jesus feels for you. To him, you were worth dying for then, now, and tomorrow you still will be.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 KJV Be the strong leader for your family. Not because you are strong but He who lives in you is. Pray without ceasing. Pray for others- and let your children hear you and pray together. There is a medicine in praying for others and it has healing power.

www.childstats.gov

www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/news/child-abuse-infographic

www.census.gov/hhes/www/poverty/data/historical/families.html

www.bjs.gov

GIVE UP!!

 Kaela, when she finally retreated from her battle against sleep

It's time to give up.

I have "preached" the importance of pressing forward. "YOU CAN do it!"

"Stop complaining, grow some pride, get on with it, shrug it off, it's up to you to make it, don't be weak" and on and on in simple statements, glorifying self endurance and reliance in all attempts to succeed at conquering crappy life circumstances.

Well, today, I'm going to tell you to give up.
Guess what, you CAN'T do it.
Quit.
Lay down in your weakness. Get swallowed up by the pressure to be perfect. Embrace that hopelessness in ever measuring up.
How you feeling?

I allowed myself to be in this vulnerable place as I literally looked up to God and audibly spoke "God, I CAN'T do this!"
It wasn't a churchy prayer at all. It was loud and repetitive.
The plug was pulled and I drowned myself in sobs of failure and inadequacy.
I was looking at something that God was taking me through that wasn't so pretty.  I knew it would be hard and I was giving up before it even started.
"I DON'T want to do this!" By far it was the most honest prayer I have ever had with God. I always reverenced God's holiness too much to ever disagree with His decisions.
Not this time. I was done.

I dried my eyes as I pictured God smiling at me.
At first thought, it would have been a "silly little girl" type of smile that I could take offense to by its nonchalant placement. Then, I felt warmth. It peered toward me like a father gazing on his daughter as she stumbled in her infancy baby steps.
"I have joy in knowing of your realizing you can't do it" 
I laughed a little bit at that. Duh Kimberly.
What better way to show God's hope and love then to have you do something that you can NOT do and come out victorious BECAUSE you had to completely rely on Him.
Well, I give up God.
I can't do life without you. I can't. 
Now that I can't, you finally can! 
Time to sleep.