GIVE UP!!

 Kaela, when she finally retreated from her battle against sleep

It's time to give up.

I have "preached" the importance of pressing forward. "YOU CAN do it!"

"Stop complaining, grow some pride, get on with it, shrug it off, it's up to you to make it, don't be weak" and on and on in simple statements, glorifying self endurance and reliance in all attempts to succeed at conquering crappy life circumstances.

Well, today, I'm going to tell you to give up.
Guess what, you CAN'T do it.
Quit.
Lay down in your weakness. Get swallowed up by the pressure to be perfect. Embrace that hopelessness in ever measuring up.
How you feeling?

I allowed myself to be in this vulnerable place as I literally looked up to God and audibly spoke "God, I CAN'T do this!"
It wasn't a churchy prayer at all. It was loud and repetitive.
The plug was pulled and I drowned myself in sobs of failure and inadequacy.
I was looking at something that God was taking me through that wasn't so pretty.  I knew it would be hard and I was giving up before it even started.
"I DON'T want to do this!" By far it was the most honest prayer I have ever had with God. I always reverenced God's holiness too much to ever disagree with His decisions.
Not this time. I was done.

I dried my eyes as I pictured God smiling at me.
At first thought, it would have been a "silly little girl" type of smile that I could take offense to by its nonchalant placement. Then, I felt warmth. It peered toward me like a father gazing on his daughter as she stumbled in her infancy baby steps.
"I have joy in knowing of your realizing you can't do it" 
I laughed a little bit at that. Duh Kimberly.
What better way to show God's hope and love then to have you do something that you can NOT do and come out victorious BECAUSE you had to completely rely on Him.
Well, I give up God.
I can't do life without you. I can't. 
Now that I can't, you finally can! 
Time to sleep.